The Anti Bore

50 Shades of Grey: An Honest Review

I hate being left behind in global and social trends. So when an army of people start asking me about a book called 50 Shades of Grey, I arch my eyebrow at myself and wonder why I’ve never caught wind of this so-called “book that would change your life forevers”.

If you look behind us, the past century, there have been a couple of sagas that have totally enamored society’s reading and cultural patterns. Books such as The Chronicles of Narnia, Nancy Drew, Sweet Valley, Fear Street, Harry Potter, Game of Thrones…. and then suddenly the world dove into a tragic spiral… we have Twilight and Hunger Games (although Hunger Games I can attest is more bearable than sparkly creatures).

And then like a plague, we have 50 SHADES OF GREY….

I am not lying when I said I got painfully peer pressured into reading this trilogy. Peers meaning the lovable & respectable older women that I work with, and a couple of friends in my circle of trust. My aversion came from the fact that it’s supposedly 1) Fan Fiction stemming from Twilight (strike one), 2) Twilight for adults (strike two), 3) Even Ryan Seacrest is marveling at this book (strike three, because he ain’t no Oprah that’s for sure)…. But the terrible thought of being left behind looking like a prude in a social gathering oohing & aaahing about a cultural phenom was unbearable. So I borrowed a copy.

OH DEAR LORD WHAT HAVE I DONE.

First of all, this book IS NOT a YOUNG ADULT BOOK. I’ll be honest in saying that this book is PORNOGRAPHIC-Oh-No-You-Dddiiiiinnnnntttt!!!, He DID WHAT????? and riddled with often painfully cheesy lines. I am shocked that the Catholic Church & Women’s Rights have not expressed their brutal concern for the salvation of humanity.

Ridiculously badly written, but intriguing with many moments that made me go “wtf seriously?”… “Girrrllll what’s wrong with jjjjuuuuuu???!!!!”….

As my coworker S said, “I am in my 50’s and this book made me blush… if you know what I mean.”

You cannot sit in a Starbucks with this book in your hand and look book smart that’s for sure.

WAS IT A GOOD READ?

It was fun (really) until it got whiney, objectively hollow, and the story progressively stunted. Although for good measure the author has worked towards some sort of character building.

LET’S ADMIT IT…. WE ARE ALL A LITTLE BIT “SHADES OF GREY” OURSELVES. WE’RE ALL KINKY.

I kept an open mind with this book because I pride myself to have reached some sort of enlightened maturity in my 28 years of living. But NOTHING could have prepared me for what I have been narratively sucked into.

BDSM is not really what I call literature or entertainment. But hey, there’s a saying, “Dude, whatever floats yo boat!”…. I would like to know where E.L James got her references because either she really went out there to personally research the life of bondage or she herself is into some dark kinky erotic stuff.

And please, DO NOT compare this book to greats like Bret Easton Ellis’ American Psycho…. 50 Shades make authors like Judith McNaught the Jane Austen of Romance/Erotic novels.

KUDOS EL JAMES… THE HOME DEPOT HARDWARE SECTION WILL NEVER BE THE SAME.

I’d like to sincerely congratulate the author. Girl, you ain’t be winnin’ a Pulitzer but you’ll be mind numbingly rich for singlehandedly making porn & BDSM a literary must-read, a rite of passage for women, number 1 in Amazon, sold out in all bookstores, on every friggin’ front window display of all major & homegrown bookstores in the world, and the topic of every woman and man’s lips for the next year.

EVEN GREY TEXTURED NECK TIES WILL BE SOLD OUT.

That being said, it’s troubling how this book is readily accessible to ANYONE of ANY age. If I was a parent, I’d be deeply concerned if my 12 or 13 or even 16 year old is reading this book….. Duuuudddeeeessss whatever happened to so-called CENSORSHIP.

I CAN’T WAIT FOR THE MOVIE BECAUSE….

REALLY!!! How intriguing will THAT be. Remember how society has admonished controversial movies like… Caligula, A Clockwork Orange, Deep Throat, The Exorcist, The Last Temptation of Christ…. I bet 50 Shades (if ever it WILL make it to the big screen) will be piled under that notorious list. Because ANYONE who’s ever read the book has to admit there is virtually no story without those “interesting” sex scenes.

I’D LIKE TO SEE AN OLDER MAN CAST AS CHRISTIAN GREY

No adolescent Robert Pattinson bullshit. If Hollywood wants to do this movie they’d better do it RIGHT.

Ian Somerhalder was relatively unknown and living under a rock until someone brought up the idea of him being Christian Grey. I DISAGREE. He looks TOO STRAIGHTFORWARD sleazy honestly hahahaha.

I’d LOOOOVVVEEE to see someone older for the tortured soul that is Christian Grey… say… Michael Fassbender or a Alex Skarsgard…. Jude Law?

But realistically, we’ll be most likely be seeing a Grade B or even C actor in this role. And this role will do to him what American Psycho did to Christian Bale (PS: If this book ever came out say, 10 years ago… and all else being the same, there will be an overwhelming and resounding hell yeah for Bale)

I’d like a bombshell casting…. someone like….

Matthew Bomer 

Henry Cavill

And here’s a curveball… Wentworth Miller (well I don’t know where he is now, for all I know he’s ugly now)

In the end, I GET all the hype… but it’s just kind of sad that in this day and age, it’s books like these that are the catalysts to get people reading again….

But then again, it is a reflection of our curiosity and never ending need for wonton fantasy.

And because I am really cool, I am buying this:

Cute Tee From Tree Baubles http://www.etsy.com/shop/treebaubles

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This entry was published on May 28, 2012 at 2:07 am. It’s filed under Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

5 thoughts on “50 Shades of Grey: An Honest Review

  1. Mandy on said:

    girlfriend…ian somerhalder is not sleazy i should slap u for even writing that but hey do what you want. he is PERFECT for christian grey you obviously are not a fan and thats ok but seriously…look into his acting. he is amazing and THE sexiest guy on television i know of. if he is not cast, many people will not watch. and we are more than happy to read the books over again picturing none other than his face 🙂

  2. Oh, 50 Shades. I’m fairly sure the author didn’t do any sort of research into what the BDSM lifestyle is actually like, which is possibly what angers me most about these books. (I just, it was Twilight AU fic originally, so I was unsurprised about the whole ‘dude is a controlling asshole and keeps the girl in a metaphorical cage, but this is ~totally~ a healthy and desirable relationship, really!’ sort of deal, but making it as though the relationship portrayed is totally normal and accepted in the BDSM scene when it’s… not? EL James, please, no. orz) The books teaches so, so many problematic things regarding women and sex and sexuality and just. auuuugh.

    That being said, that is some delicious casting there. If the movie manages to, well, fix the problematic bits of the books? I would totally watch it with any of those actors listed, just for the eyecandy if not the plot, haha.

  3. I agree with everything you wrote here. I started reading it, felt like a Harlequin romance trying to get into the porn industry, i eventually dropped it out of boredom, I say just get one of the other….. they don’t mix honetly.

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